Chilled
by Wakkowarnerlover
Summary: Pinky tries to help Perry relax because he is overstressed with work and the fact that he is unable to care for his son. However, Perry is not exactly happy with Pinky's attempts, and does his best to let him know.
1. Chapter 1

"PERRY! PERRY! PERRY!"

Perry ignored Phineas.

"PEEEERRRRRYYY! OH PERRY PERRY PERRY PERRYKINS!"

Perry covered his eyes with his paws. It was raining outside, so Phineas and Ferb were unable to create an invention.

However, Phineas had thought up a wonderfully annoying game to play. It was called "Let's see how many times we have to call Perry to annoy Perry".

The way Perry saw it, Phineas had already won. He was VERY annoyed at the moment.

Perry got up and crawled underneath Ferb's bed.

"Perry?" Phineas asked. Not an annoying call, just a confused one.

Perry squeezed behind a box.

"I'm sorry, Perry. I guess we overdid it…"  
Perry stayed where he was, watching them. It was hard, but he had to keep the boys thinking he was a mindless animal that couldn't understand a word they said.

Phineas sat down on the floor and sighed.

Perry couldn't take it. He emerged from under the bed, shook himself off, and chattered.

Phineas ran over to him and gave him a huge hug. "Sorry, Perry."

Perry smiled a little. Phineas never made him THAT angry.

Well, just so long as he didn't play a Kendrine Adems song.

* * *

Perry opened up his closet.

"Cleaning out your closet?" Pinky the Chihuahua asked, coming up to him.

"Nope." Perry pulled out a box. "I found something for my box."

"Nothing unsanitary or food-related?" Pinky asked nervously.

"Whaddya mean unsanitary? …Oh. Darren's told you about Mr. Stitch, huh?"

Perry kept a lot of things in his box, like photographs and his blankets. He also had Steve the sandwich and Mr. Stitch, one of his stitches that he'd kept to remember the day he'd saved the agency.

"No worries, Pinky. It's a snowglobe." Perry held the small object up for Pinky to see.

Pinky squinted. "What's in it?"

"A baby cow and a giant penguin!"

"How does that even make sense?"  
"It doesn't! This is the first snowglobe that's ever confused me. So it goes in my box."

"What's its name?"

"Pinky, I don't name everything. It's just a snowglobe." Perry put it into the box.

"I really think you should take Steve and Mr. Stitch out. Put Steve in the freezer or something."

"Steve belongs in my memory box. If I put him in a freezer, I might mistake him for an ordinary sandwich and eat him."  
"Buddy, NO ONE would mistake that green thing for an ordinary sandwich."

"I am not puttin' Steve in the freezer. And Mr. Stitch stays in that box. If it weren't for Mr. Stitch, you know, my leg would have been-"

"Too much information." Pinky hid his face.

Suddenly the emergency alarm went off.

"QUICKLY!" Monogram yelled, running into the room. "RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! FIGHT TO GET TO THE FRONT! GET OUT AS QUICK AS POSSIBLE! GET OUTSIDE!"

"Sir…" Carl held up a paper. "There's a certain way to do a fire drill."  
"My way is better. It'll get more people out. RUN, BOYS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"It says you must file the animals quietly and calmly to the nearest exit."

"RUN!"

Perry stuck his box back in his closet and calmly followed Pinky to the nearest exit.

They walked out into the grass. Admiral Acronym was already outside with a few agents. She motioned over to Pinky to join her group, since he was technically her responsibility.

Sam Sideblow, the groomer, was lining up some agents that had been with him when the alarm started.

Perry joined the line with the agents in his group.

After a moment, Monogram came out. Carl was leading some more animals calmly to the lines.

"That was just a drill." Monogram said. "But we have to wait until the alarm stops."

The animals waited.

Perry pulled out his videophone and pressed a few buttons.

"No messages." Said the phone.

Perry continued to press the buttons.

"Nomessages-nomessages-no-nononmeemmemememe…"

Darren yanked the phone out of Perry's hands. "Perry, CHILL."

The phone started to ring. Perry grabbed it back and answered it. "Hello?"

"Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner?"

"NO." Perry hung up.

"Been waiting for the vacuum man, or is there something else going on?" Darren asked.

Perry sighed. "Well…"

"Everything okay at home?"

"Yeah."

"Everything okay here?"

"Yup."

"Everything okay with Poppy and Palmer?"

"Pal's fine."

"And Poppy?"

Perry didn't answer.

"Is this a Poppy's-sick thing or a Poppy-got-mad thing?"  
"The second one."

"What happened?"

Perry stuck his phone back in his fur pocket. "Well, we just got into sort of a tiff… I won't go into all the details."

"What tiff? Did you call her clothes dumb or something?"  
"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Perry turned away. "She'll call."

"Why don't you just call her?"

"I'm not desperate. Friends fight. We'll cool off."

"Follow me!" Monogram said, the alarm silenced. "See, what did I tell you? Nothing to panic about!"

* * *

Perry tried to keep his eyes open. It was about three in the morning.

And he was STILL typing up his Villain Report.

Annually, all agents were required to type one up. It had to include what structures the villain had built each day and their function, not to mention the reason why it had been built.

He was almost on the last inator, the one his nemesis Heinz Doofenshmirtz had built the day before.

He lay his head down on the control panels of his computer and closed his eyes.

And then, he was in a cookie forest. Ponies were dancing in a circle. In the center of the circle sat Major Monogram.

"Run as fast as you can!" He was telling the ponies. "The fire alarm is about to beep!"

The ponies ignored him. They continued to spin in a circle.

A cowboy was strumming a guitar nearby.

The ponies spun faster and faster. Papers were flying in many directions.

The cookies in the forest turned into moldy sandwiches.

Perry woke up then. He wiped a bit of drool from his mouth and looked at his watch.

It was eleven. He'd slept for a lot longer than he intended.

"There you are!" Brandon the bulldog called into his lair, startling him. "You need to come into the main room. Monogram wants to talk."

Perry followed him. Monogram was sitting at the big table in the main room. Agents sat around him.

Perry took an empty chair next to Peter the panda.

"As you all know, it's about time for you all to get your bonus checks." Monogram said.

"WOOP! YEAH, BABY!" Cried Kyle the kangaroo, jumping out of his seat and fist-pumping the air. "OH, MAMA! WOO, HOWDY! YEAH! OH MAN! UH-HUH!"

The agents and Monogram stared at him.

Kyle looked around. Very slowly, he sat back down.

Monogram continued. "I'll hand them out now. Some of you, though, will need to complete some unfinished tasks until you can get them. Peter?"

Peter walked up to Monogram. Monogram handed him his check. "You may do whatever you want with these. You may cash them in now, you may save them for later…"

Peter stuffed his check into his mouth, chewed, swallowed, and burped. Happily, he left the room.

Monogram was quiet for a moment. "Or you may simply… not use them at all. Kyle?"  
Kyle took his check.

"Darren? Pinky? Marvin?"

Soon, only Perry and Devon the dog were left.

"I'm sorry, you two, but you still need to finish some things… Devon, you haven't returned your medical forms… Perry, you neglected to submit your Villain Report… please make sure you email me that… and also you may recall that your offspring… caused a few hundred dollars in damages to the agency."

Perry started to protest.

"Don't panic, you don't have to pay it. We'll just need five extra hours of work to make up for it. Coming in nights should do the job."

Perry sighed. It seemed like he never had any time for himself these days. He'd already been putting in extra hours anyway. Monogram would often call him unexpectedly, because Doof was just such an active villain…

But that wasn't considered extra work.


	2. Chapter 2

Perry lay down on the floor.

A few of the agents tripped over him.

Pinky came into the main room, stopped, and bent down next to him. "Perry?"

"Mm."

"You okay?"

"Need coffee."

"Were you up late again?"

"Worked all night… finished report… got check…"

Pinky sighed and grabbed a mug of coffee from Kyle, who had been walking past. "Don't tell me you've been working all this time!" He handed the mug to Perry.

Perry drank its contents gratefully. "At least I got my check."

"Perry, you really have to stop being so hard on yourself!"

"Huh?"

"Darren told me. You've been up all night, you put in extra hours, your mate's not speaking to you AND you're flying back and forth from Switzerland twice a week to help with a few villains that they can't take on themselves."

"Oh man, that's tomorrow, isn't it? I hate tomorrow…"

"You can't keep doing all this!" Pinky said. "You have to relax every once in a while! You gotta CHILL!"

"I'm chill. I have my coffee."

"Perry, you know what I mean… You need some downtime."

"I've had downtime before. I was sitting in a lawn chair and before I knew it, I was trapped. Then I flew on a pile of leaves for ten minutes. That was the end of my relaxation."

"You ever tried going to a beach or a spa or a yoga class or something?"

"I've been to a beach."

"Well, there's one thing. We'll go there tomorrow."

"I have to go to Switzerland tomorrow."

"We're canceling Switzerland."

"We can't just…"

"We can, Perry. You are going to forget everything that you're worried about. You gotta lose this stress!"

Perry pulled out his phone and stared at it. He pushed a button.

"No messages."

"Come on, Perry." Pinky grabbed his hand and pulled him up.

"I want to stay here…"

"You're comin' with me! I'm gonna de-stress you if it's the last thing I do!"

* * *

Darren banged on the door of the old garage. A big painting of a pony with seven legs was on the door, signed "Palmer".

The door opened. Poppy gave Darren a confused look. "What are you doing here?"

"Why did you two fight?" Darren demanded. "Perry's completely miserable! You won't even call him! He keeps pushing the message button on his phone and it keeps going 'no-messages-no-messages-no-no-no-no…'" Darren paused to take a breath. "And you just stay here in this stupid garage…"

Poppy backed up. "I… don't feel like talking about it… not right now…"

"Neither does he! And frankly, I think you're being stupid! He's one of the nicest guys I know and I hate seeing him like this! YOU made him like this!"

Poppy turned away from him and started to cry. "I don't know who else to turn to! He can't… or won't… I just thought he'd…"

"What? Thought he'd WHAT?"

"Listen to me…"

* * *

"See, isn't this nice?" Pinky curled up on a beach towel and stuck on some sunglasses. "We're at the beach! Chillin'!"

"Sure. I hate the sand. It sticks to my fur." Perry muttered. He was scribbling something down on a paper.

"Whatcha writin'?"

"A list Monogram needs."

"And what would happen if you didn't write the list?"

"Monogram wouldn't have it."

"Does he NEED it?"  
"Not really."

"Then drop the pencil and listen to the waves!"

Perry glared at Pinky and put the paper away. "It's not like I've never heard what waves sound like before." He took out his phone and looked at it.

"Do NOT push the messages button."

"Why not?"

"Because, message button and Pinky is the same thing as Kendrine Adems song and Perry."

"Understood. But if I don't push it, how am I going to know if I have any messages?"

"Perry, just don't worry about it."

Perry stretched out and watched a toddler make a sandcastle.

The toddler picked up a hunk of sand and tossed it on the top of his castle. The structure fell.

"Fail." Perry said.

"What?"

"That kid's castle just fell."

"Oh."

They lay there a little longer.

"So… what do we do?" Perry asked.

"Just relax."

"My brain's going crazy trying to keep itself occupied."

"Don't pay attention to it. Try to think about the ocean noise."

"Did you know that there's probably a fish eating another fish under the water right at this moment?"

"That's a cheerful thought."

"Yeah. Want to go swimming?"

"The water makes me cold."

"Can I go?"

"Sure, knock yourself out. Not literally, mind you."  
Perry took a running leap into the ocean and swam. He felt happiest when in the water. It always calmed him.

Unless, of course, he was in the agency's water entrance and Monogram forgot to turn off the laser sharks. That wasn't such relaxing water…

* * *

"I needed help." Poppy sobbed. "I can't work at the agency because I have to look after Palmer, and it's been so hard to get money… I felt terrible even for asking…"

"You asked him to help you with money?" Darren asked.

"Yes, I'm broke. I had to do jobs around town to earn enough to feed the both of us… and Palmer doesn't like that, he wants me to be home… I just didn't know who else to ask! Monogram can't spare a cent… my father doesn't even know what a dollar IS…"

"Perry didn't help?"

"He couldn't, he kept saying he couldn't, and I asked him why, and he got mad… he felt like I was pushing him… it turned into this terrible fight… I told him to not bother calling me again…" Poppy put her head in her hands. "I feel awful. I know it's selfish, but I can't help feeling like he needs to be more help for Palmer…"

Darren put a wing around her. "That's not selfish at all. I can't believe Perry would do that…"

"He wouldn't, don't get mad at him… he's very kind…"

Darren dug into his fedora and pulled out some money. "Here. Take this."

Poppy shook her head. "It's not right."

Darren put the money into her hand. "You need it. I don't."

Poppy smiled a little. "You're very kind… as well."

* * *

"Now, breathe in." Said the yoga instructor, sitting cross-legged on his mat.

Everyone inhaled.

"Now, breathe out."

Everyone exhaled.

"Breathe in…"

"I KNOW HOW TO BREATHE!" Perry shouted, jumping up from his mat. "I'VE KNOWN HOW TO BREATHE SINCE BEFORE I HATCHED FROM THE EGG! I DIDN'T COME HERE TO LEARN HOW TO BREATHE!"

"Sit back down." Pinky whispered from next to him.

The yoga instructor stared blankly at Perry. "There is much stress in your body. You must learn to rid of it through slow movements."

"Look, buddy, I get rid of my stress through FAST movements. LIKE PUNCHING THE ANNOYING BREATHING TEACHER IN THE FACE."

"Perry!" Pinky hissed.

"HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD I'M SAYING!" Perry snapped. "I CAN YELL AT HIM IN THIRTY-FIVE LANGUAGES AND HE WON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!"

"He can tell that you're yelling! You're disturbing the class!"

Perry sat back down on his mat and scowled at the instructor.

"Now, we will do the tree pose." Said the instructor, standing on one leg with his hands stretched out. "This helps to remind us that we can be as still as a tree if we want."

"This is reminding me that I can't do very much with my leg." Perry grumbled.

"And now, the downward dog pose." The instructor stood on all four limbs and hung his head down.

"I've only seen a dog in this actual position once, by the way." Perry told Pinky. "He was throwing up."

Pinky rolled his eyes. "Would you just at least PRETEND you're relaxed?"

Perry splayed out on the mat. "How's this?"  
"Perry…"

"And now, the half-moon pose."

Perry tried to mimic the yoga instructor's pose. "Impossible." He leaned against the person next to him. "This is easier."

The person fell, crashing into the man next to him.

Perry sat down on his mat and watched. "Look, Pinky. I made human dominos."

Half of the yoga class had fallen on the floor.

* * *

Perry crawled through the pet flap and padded over to Phineas, who was fixing a toy. Perry recognized it as one of his favorite squeaky toys he had finally chewed through a few months ago.

He sprung up on Phineas' lap and chattered.

"Hey, Perry. I fixed your toy." Phineas held it out to him.

Perry grabbed the plastic hamburger in his mouth and jumped down. He chewed on it.

SQEUUUUUEEUEUUEUEEEEK! SQUEEK! SQUEEEEEEEEK!

It really was a lovely noise.

"Keep it down, boy." Phineas said fondly, patting Perry on the head. "Candace is in a bad mood today."

All the more reason to make noise. Irking Candace was just so fun.

Perry followed Phineas upstairs to his room. He climbed onto Phineas' bed and put down the hamburger.

The sheets weren't fluffy enough. Perry started rearranging them.

"Perry…"

Perry finally made a nice little spot to lie down in. He patted the area down with his feet a few times, and then curled up.

"Perry, you're right in the middle of the bed. How am I supposed to get in?"

"You'll figure something out." Perry chirped. He closed his eyes.

He was going to try to control his dreams this time. He was going to have a dream about getting rid of Carlos the caring clown for good.

Carlos was a clown toy that belonged to Candace. Perry hated Carlos with a burning passion.

He was also going to dream about Kendrine Adems spontaneously combusting.

But maybe he should put something nice into his dreams, too. Like Phineas and Ferb.

"Perry, can you please move? I need to get in bed."

Perry opened his eyes. He got up and lay back down on Phineas' pillow.

"Perry, that's even worse. Here." Phineas got under the covers and made enough room so that Perry could still have his spot on the blanket. Then he put Perry in his blanket spot.

"There you go. That's fair." Phineas said.

Perry chattered happily. He wrapped his tail around his paws and was soon asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

"See, Perry, what did I tell you? Relaxing, huh?"

Perry shrugged. "I dunno. The robe's really soft, though. What do they make this out of? Cloud dust and glitter?"

"There's no glitter in the robe."

"But glitter just seems like something soft. It's not, though. It has pointy edges that can give you a paper cut. Believe me." Perry slumped down in the chair. "That hot bath was fun, though."

"What did I tell you? The spa's a great place to relax."

"Stop saying 'What did I tell you'. It's just another way of saying 'I told you so'. And by the way, I still don't like this atmosphere. It smells too clean."

"How can something be too clean?"

"When I start losing my sense of smell because of the five billion candles, THAT'S too clean."

A woman came over and started putting something on Perry's face.

"DON'T TOUCH ME." Perry hissed, shrinking back.

"Perry, it's a spa. They gotta touch you, or it doesn't work."

"I don't let people touch me."

"You let Phineas, Ferb and Monogram touch you."

"That's different."

"You let Carl hold you once."

"I had just fallen on my face and didn't know what was going on."

"Just let her do it."

Perry glared at Pinky, but he let the woman continue. "What is this gunk, anyway?"

"Mango facial."

"Not to be a bother, but isn't mango supposed to go in the mouth?"

"It's not just a food, Perry. It helps your skin."

"Oh yeah. And I'm sure the cucumbers she's sticking on right now aren't just food, too. They help the eyes. Hey, lady? Why not use carrots?"

"Actually, I don't know what those are for." Pinky admitted. "I guess they just calm you down."

"I'm not calm if I can't see what's going on." Perry took one cucumber off and bit it. "You know, this could really use something extra." He rubbed it against his face. "Mango and cucumber. I wonder if that's any good." He took a bite. "Yup, it's awesome."

"Perry, that's probably not…"

"They're both foods, aren't they? I'm using them for their intended purpose. And I was hungry, anyways. This works out great. You know, you coulda just saved some bucks and we could have stuck mooshed mango on ourselves back at the O.W.C.A. MAN, this is good. You oughta try it."

"I'm not sure I'm a mango fan."

"You're missin' out, then."

* * *

They got back to the agency around twelve.

Kyle was reading a book when they walked in. "Yo, Pinkster. How'd it go?"

"It was a failed attempt." Pinky mumbled.

"You shoulda been there!" Perry told Kyle. "It was like a fruit buffet with robes and too many candles!"

Kyle looked confused. "…Buffet?"

"Don't get him started." Pinky warned him.

Darren gestured to Perry from across the room. He looked angry.

Perry walked over to him, confused.

"Why wouldn't you help her?" Darren hissed. "It was hard for her to ask, you know!"

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb. I just went over there yesterday."

"Over where?"

"She was all in tears! I couldn't believe it. You made me look like a complete menace, yelling at her like that, when all along YOU were the one who had to be yelled at!"

"Darren, who are you even talking about?"  
"Poppy! She needed money, and you wouldn't give it to her! And it's not like you don't HAVE any, Perry!"

Perry rubbed his forehead. "Not this again. I already told her I couldn't give it to her. Why does everyone have to know why…"

"Because, it's ridiculous! She's your mate and she needs help to raise your baby!"

"It's not that easy."

"It's simple. I happen to know that you always have a hundred bucks on hand."

Perry sighed. "Look. I have the hundred bucks for agency work. If I'm chasing Doof on my scooter and I run out of gas, I'm not just gonna steal the stuff. If I need transportation, I pay someone for their skateboard or rollerskates or whatever they have on them. If I break Doof's WALL, I have to pay for it!"

"What about the other money?"

"The bonus check and all that jazz? It's gone."

"Already?"

"Yes. Want me to show you the receipts for all of the stuff I HAD to pay for, or are you going to stop interrogating me?"

Darren looked embarrassed. "I guess you both have good reason to be angry. I just hate this thing between you two."

"Same here."

"Why don't you call her and explain to her what you explained to me?"

"She wouldn't understand. Besides, she told me not to call her."

Darren shrugged. "She says she feels like you need to be there more for Palmer."

"I know. But I didn't plan for him to be born, you know… I'm glad he was, but I can't just drop everything like she did."

Darren nodded. "Sorry I snapped at you."

"It's fine. Have you ever tried yoga?"

"What?"

"It's basically a class where you learn how to breathe."

Pinky came up to them. "What are you two talking about so privately?

"Breathing Class or something." Darren said.

Pinky threw his paws in the air. "WONDERFUL."

"Was that sarcasm?" Perry asked.

"YES, IT WAS. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU TO RELAX ALL DAY, AND ALL YOU DO IS MAKE JOKES!" Pinky stormed off.

Perry shrugged. "He just hasn't been going about it the right way." He explained to Darren. "I'm at my best in my backyard."

* * *

Perry crawled out of his tree tunnel.

A huge ice cream cone was in the backyard. A big blob of chocolate ice cream fell on Perry's head.

"Perry!" Phineas called. "Look out!"

Perry dodged just in time as a giant chocolate chip crashed to the ground, making a loud noise.

"Ferb and I made the biggest ice cream cone today." Phineas explained. "But the sun's melting it faster than we can eat it." He put a ladder up against the cone and started climbing. "Hey guys, Perry's here! Maybe he'll lick up the drops!"

"This is the best ice cream cone ever!" Isabella, Phineas's friend, said from the top.

Ferb was swimming in the vanilla scoop.

Perry started to lap up the chocolate pool. There was no way he'd be able to make a dent in it.

"We should put on some music!" Phineas said. He took a remote out of his pocket and pushed a button.

The boombox sitting by the tree came to life. "Oh yeah, uh huh, Oh yeah, uh huh!"

Perry growled. He HATED that Kendrine Adems song.

He went over to the boombox and changed the station.

"Down this road we go, I wish I could go farther, maybe I could go right back, right back to where I startered…"

THAT was better. Nostalgia by Levvin Backthen. It was one of Perry's favorite songs.

"Hey, the song changed!" Isabella said.

"Live with it." Perry chattered.

The boombox kept singing. "Of all the people in this world I love to drive down the road with, I must have been so lucky to have you here to be with, Woah, Ooooh, how we live for the times that we had so long ago! Just call me nostalgic and get me some crackers! We drive along the pathway into bales of smoldering hay and then we travel down an open, open road, cuz I know, you're never gonna love me anymore!"


	4. Chapter 4

Perry was lying down in the grass in the backyard. He rolled over onto his back and looked up at the sky.

One of the clouds looked like a pair of pants.

Finally, Perry picked up his videophone and dialed Poppy's number. He waited as it rang.

"Hi, you've reached Poppy and Palmer."

"Mommy, look! I can swing on the new lamp!"

"Please leave a message after the- PALMER! NO!"

A beep sounded.

Perry didn't really know what to say.

He hung up and stuck his phone back in his fur pocket.

"Watcha doin'?" Pinky asked. He jumped over the fence and landed in the grass.

"Checking my messages."

"Not again. I wish you'd let me help you!"

"I'm fine." Perry insisted.

"You're miserable."

"I am not." Perry dialed Poppy's number again.

This time Palmer appeared on the screen. "Whaddya want?"

"Hey, Pal, it's me."

"Okay. MOM! DADDY'S CALLING!"

"No, Pal, that's fine. I don't need to-"

"Then why'd you call?" Palmer demanded.

Perry sighed. "I just wanted to tell your mom… that I'm sorry about getting so mad. I'm going to try and put in a few extra hours for pay… I can probably get her a few hundred bucks if she needs it."

Pinky shook his head.

"Mom needs money?"

"Yep. She needs it to take care of you."

"Oh." Palmer looked sad. "Okay, I'll tell her. Are you going to visit us again?"

"Maybe. I don't know."

"You should. You can meet my Grandpa Pepper. He's taking care of me while mommy fixes the bathroom sink." Palmer turned the videophone so that Perry could see an elderly platypus fast asleep in a red chair.

"Is Grandpa Pepper alive?"

"I dunno. I tried poking him with a stick. He made a noise like this." Palmer snorted.

"Well, if he ever wakes up, ask him to tell you about the time he rode a dinosaur." Perry said.

"He rode a dinosaur?"

"He looks like he could have. Just don't take him into any museums. The staff might mistake him for living history."

Grandpa Pepper suddenly woke up. "Palmer, did I ever tell you about the time I ate a marshmallow?" He asked.

"Eight times." Palmer called back.

"Well, it was a very sunny day and there was lots of grass…"

Palmer shook his head and turned back to Perry. "Will you please come over? Mommy really misses you." He gave Perry puppy eyes.

"Fine. The sad eyes work. I'll be right there."

* * *

"I drew that pony on the wall." Palmer said, pointing to a drawing of a baby horse. "And over there, I drew a rainbow with sharp teeth. Rainbows with sharp teeth can kill people."

"Very nice." Perry said.

"Mom's still fixing the sink." Palmer dragged Perry over to a red chair. "But here's Grandpa Pepper! Grandpa Pepper, this is my daddy! Perry!"

Grandpa Pepper looked sleepily at Perry. "Are you my brother?"

"Nope." Perry said.

"Well, Johnny, it's nice to see you again on this new sunny day. Have I ever told you about the time I ate a marshmallow?"

Perry looked out of the garage's window. It was pouring rain.

"By the way, he doesn't have a brother." Palmer whispered to Perry.

Poppy came down the stairs. "I'm finally finished. How are you two getting-" She stopped and stared at Perry. "Oh… hi."

"Hi." Perry said.

It would have been silent, but Grandpa Pepper was busy telling the lamp about the time he ate a marshmallow.

"Did Palmer give you my message?" Perry finally asked.

"Yes. Thanks." Poppy said.

"Grandpa Pepper's befriended your lamp."

"He's my father."

"I know."

"Do you have any platypus friends?" Grandpa Pepper asked the lamp. He waited. Then he asked again.

"He's on repeat mode." Perry said.

"If you aren't going to talk to me, then I am not going to talk to you." Grandpa Pepper growled. He turned away. "I'm not talking to Marley."

"You don't have to put in extra hours for me." Poppy said.

"I have to."

"What do you mean, you HAVE to?"

"You need the money. I'm earning you the money."

"That doesn't mean you HAVE to."

"I'm trying to help, gosh! Why are you getting on me?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just a little stressed, okay?"

"Story of my life."

"Like you have anything to worry about. You hardly come over here. I've had to watch Palmer on my own ever since Dennis was stuck in prison."  
"Well, luckily now you have Mr. Half-Dead Marshmallow Eater to help!" Perry retorted. "I couldn't come because I was BUSY, I keep telling you! I have to fight still. And Phineas and Ferb need me."

"PALMER NEEDS YOU TOO!" Poppy shouted.

"I'M SORRY YOU THINK I'M A JERK, BUT I CAN'T JUST DROP EVERYTHING!"

"STOP YELLING!" Palmer covered his ears.

"I LIKE BANANAS!" Grandpa Pepper chimed in.

Poppy burst into tears. "It's so hard… It's too hard!"

Perry let out a breath. "You don't have to cry."

Poppy kept sobbing.

Perry walked over to her and awkwardly put an arm around her. "I'm sorry. I guess we both were being crazy. I'll try to come more often, okay? And I'll send you the extra money I earn."

"James, did I ever tell you about the time I ate a marshmallow?" Grandpa Pepper asked Palmer.

"Yep." Palmer said.

"Well, it seems like just yesterday…"

"That's because it WAS yesterday." Palmer reminded him. "You ate one out of the cupboard."

Poppy wiped her eyes and stared at Perry. "I hate fighting with you. Unless it's play-fighting."

"I know. Me too. Friends?"

Poppy smiled and gave him a hug. "Thanks. For coming. For paying. All of that."

"Welcome."

Grandpa Pepper stood up. "Calvin and I are going to race now."

"Is Calvin the end table?" Perry asked.

"No, that is Calvin." Grandpa Pepper pointed at Palmer. "Are you ready?"

"YEAH!" Palmer shouted.

Grandpa Pepper started to walk.

He fell asleep on the floor.

Palmer stared at him. "I guess that wore him out."

"He's old." Poppy said.

* * *

Perry wandered into the kitchen. He'd gotten back late enough to miss dinner- and everything else. Everyone was asleep now.

He opened up the fridge and poured himself a glass of chocolate milk. It would be enough to sustain him.

Phineas wandered into the kitchen, half-asleep. "Hey, Perry."

Perry froze.

"I like your hat." Phineas said sleepily. "It's interesting."

Perry continued to stare at Phineas, wondering what to do. He stuck Piggy Woo, the translatorinator Doof gave him, into his mouth. "You're asleep. You're dreaming."

"I kind of figured that out when you started talking." Phineas murmured.

"You should probably go back to bed."

Phineas got up on the kitchen table. "I love dreaming. Now I'm going to fly."

Perry shook his head. He grabbed Phineas' hand and pulled him toward the stairs.

"Get back in bed and fall back asleep."

"I thought I was asleep."

"You are. But now, dream that you're falling asleep in bed."  
Perry shoved Phineas back into his room and shut the door. He spit Piggy Woo back into his hand, pulled off his fedora and ran back downstairs.

* * *

"I had the weirdest dream last night." Phineas said at breakfast.

"What was it about?" Asked Ferb.

"Perry was sitting at the table, wearing this awesome hat, and he was talking to me!" Phineas said.

Perry chattered.

"Guess what?" Candace said, coming into the room. "I got a SIGNED KENDRINE ADEMS POSTER!"

"OH COOL!" Phineas said.

Candace held up the poster. It had a picture of a blond woman on it, and was signed, "OH YEAH, Candace! Luv Kendrine."

Perry hated it with a burning passion.

"We should totally play one of her songs!" Phineas said.

"We totally shouldn't." Perry said.

"I have her new single!" Candace said. "It's called Oh, Baby!" She stuck a CD into the CD player.

"YOU'RE KILLING MY EARS." Perry whimpered.

"Oh baby, oh baby, oh, oh, oh baby!" Sang the CD player.

"Repeat those lyrics five thousand times and you got the song down pat." Perry muttered.

* * *

"Perry the platypus, you're back already?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

Perry had just come in through his front door.

"Oh. Now I remember. Monogram said you needed some extra cash and were working more hours… I don't really have a scheme for you to foil right now, but… uh… hey, why don't you have a seat or something and we can watch some TV?"

Perry sat down on the purple couch.

"I'll make some popcorn. In the meantime, maybe you can listen to some music. The remote for that's right on the coffee table there."

Perry pushed a button on one of the remotes.

"NO, that's the remote for my Hamburgerinator! I hope you didn't just turn some innocent person into a hamburger… although… that would be kind of funny. It's that remote over there."

Perry pushed the ON button on the music remote.

The radio came on. "Coming up, the number-one song by Kendrine Adems, 'Oh Honey'!"

"Oh honey, oh honey, oh, oh, oh honey!"

Perry quickly switched it off.

"Not an Adems fan, huh?" Doofenshmirtz said, sitting down next to him. "No matter. I hope there's a good movie on." He turned on the TV.

"And now, the world's slowest animal! The sloth! Let's watch as it sneezes."

Doofenshmirtz changed the channel.

"The wonderful world of platypuses, and how they are a billion times better than stupid old humans!"

"Hey, let's watch that!" Perry said.

"It's not funny, Perry the platypus." Doofenshmirtz changed the channel again.

"Pinhead Pierre, has the smallest head of which I'm aware!"

"I guess this is preferable." Doofenshmirtz said.

Perry shrugged.

The two of them started on the popcorn.


	5. Chapter 5

"You look freaked out." Pinky said as Perry sat down in a chair at the meeting table.

"I'm getting old." Perry said. "I actually forgot what month it was. Who forgets the month?!"

"You're not getting old! You're fivish! Or sixish. I forget."

"Have you also forgotten what sixish is in animal years? I'm in my forties!"

"Or your thirties, depending on whether you're going by cat years or dog years."

"In just three years, I'm going to be in my sixties!"

"Dog years. Go cat years." Pinky said.

"Still! I am aging! I'll go senile like Grandpa Pepper!" Perry slammed his head down on the table.

"Grandpa Pepper? I thought your grandfathers were named Pickles and Pebbles."

"Pal's grandpa. He ate a marshmallow once."

"Look, don't get so worked up about forgetting the month."

Perry muttered something.

"What's that?"  
"I want coffee."

"Are you sleepy?"

"No, I just didn't get a good kind. Lawrence ran out of the Caramel Deluxe Chocolicious Coffee mix. I had to use… NORMAL coffee. It was gross."

"You've never had normal coffee before?"

"Pinky, once you've had Caramel Deluxe Chocolicious, there is NO going back. But it was either tasteless coffee or sleepy Perry."

"You drank Monogram's coffee once."

"I think it may have had some caramel in it."

Devon came over to them with a phone. "Monogram's not here yet, but Poppy called. She's freaking out."

"Is she wanting to talk to Pinky?" Perry joked, but he took the phone. "Hey."

"He went off by himself! Almost got run over by a car!" Poppy shrieked. "Fell into a ditch and nearly killed himself…"

"Woah, what?" Perry gasped. "Palmer?"

Pinky gave Perry a concerned look.

"No, no, my father- Palmer's fine- I have to get my father back to the zoo before he- DADDY! THAT'S THE FIRE ALARM, NOT GERTRUDE THE FRIENDLY GIRRAFE!- Palmer's at home, come quick, I'm leaving now." Poppy hung up.

"Certainly lovely talking to you." Perry said to the dial tone. "And goodbye, my dear."

"She hung up on you?" Devon asked.

"Yep. I have to go get Pal. Fill me in on what's in the meeting later."

* * *

"Do you like spaghetti?" Perry asked, draining out the pasta in the sink.

"Yep." Palmer answered.

"Good, cuz it's all that was left in the pantry. There should be some sauce left in the fridge, you want to check?"  
Palmer opened up the fridge. "There's some white fluffy sauce."

"Throw it out, that's called Molded Flavor." Perry spooned the pasta into two bowls. "Eat fast before the family gets home."

"What do we put on this stuff?"

"Butter and salt, if you want."

"Can I put mashed bananas on it?"

"If you're going to eat it, yeah." Perry handed Palmer a bowl.

They sat down at the kitchen table and started eating.

"What's it like, having to pretend you're a pet?" Palmer asked.

"Great. I have a family role here. It's hard sometimes. I have to let the humans think I'll let them do anything. Which includes dressing me up in stupid tutus."

Palmer laughed. "I bet you look funny in a tutu."

"EVERYONE looks funny in a tutu."

"Why do I look like you?"

"Because you do."

"But why do I look like you? I saw pictures of you when you were a baby. You looked exactly like me."

"It's a known fact, Pal, that all platypuses look exactly the same. Sometimes they have different-colored eyes, and you can tell them apart. You've got my brown eyes, though, so you look like me."  
"What does that mean, 'My brown eyes'?"

"It means you have my eyes."

"What?"

"You have the brown-eye gene or something."

"What's a gene?"

Perry sighed. "I have a feeling this conversation isn't going to turn into something I'm going to want to talk about. So, did Grandpa Pepper do anything interesting besides fall in a ditch since I've been gone?"

"He ate a marshmallow."

"I heard."

"He also got into a fight with Marvin, our couch, because it wouldn't tell him if it had fluffy inside or magical clouds."

"I see."

"What's a nemesis?" Palmer asked. "I heard you get one when you're two."

"It's kind of an enemy. It can even turn into a frienemy. Take me and Doofenshmirtz, for instance. He traps me, he tells me his scheme, I escape, beat him up, and he's defeated. Even though the guy drives me up a wall and I annoy him to no end, we still have a kind of bond. You see?"

"No." Palmer said.

Perry shrugged. "It's okay if you don't. I don't even get it sometimes. One minute this guy's sharing his hot wings with me, the next he ties me up with my own birthday card… Do you know when your mom's picking you up?"

Palmer checked his phone. "She'll be here in five minutes."

"Okay."

After they had finished, Perry stuck their dishes in the sink.

"Do you have any brothers?" Palmer asked.

"Yep. Pablo, Peter, Larry and Little Billy. The rest of my sibs are my sisters."

"I wasn't born in a litter." Palmer said. "I don't know what it's like to have a brother."  
"Don't expect to ever find out." Perry said. "And stop takin' our conversation to that point."

"Mom should have been here by now." Palmer said, staring at his phone.

"Maybe she's a little late."  
"Maybe." Palmer looked nervous.

"Hey, don't worry, Pal. She's my level. She can fight her way out of any situation." Perry got out his videophone and dialed Poppy's number.

The answering machine started. Perry hung up.

"She's fine." He reassured Palmer.

"How do you know?"

"Trust me."

Poppy burst in through the pet door. "Sorry I'm late. It took forever to convince daddy that he lived in the zoo. Ready to go home, Palmer?"

Palmer nodded.

"Come on." Poppy picked him up. "Thanks again, Perry."

"No problem."

"It was really no problem, right? He behaved himself?"

"Yep."

"Okay then." Poppy opened the door and the two of them left.

Perry took off his fedora and patted down a spot on his pet bed. He curled up into a ball.

The family came home an hour later. Phineas bent down next to Perry and began petting him. "Hey, boy."

Perry started to purr.

"You have a good time while we were gone?"

Perry continued purring. He rolled over onto his back.

This was nice. He didn't have to worry about Doof, Poppy was getting enough money, Phineas still thought the whole kitchen incident was a dream, and Kendrine Adems was NOT playing at the moment.

And Phineas was petting him.

"I'm… not stressed." Perry realized. He smiled up at Phineas, who grinned back. "Ferb! Perry smiled at me!"

"Platypuses can't smile." Candace said. "Especially not THAT platypus."

"Perry's very affectionate." Phineas said.

"He doesn't do anything." Candace retorted.

"You'd be surprised."

* * *

"Guess what I've got?" Perry said, holding out a mug to Pinky.

"Coffee." Pinky said.

"Not just ANY coffee! It's Caramel Deluxe Chocolicious Coffee. Lawrence got some more when he went shopping!"

"Ah yes. Your legendary brand."

"Try it. It rocks."

Pinky rolled his eyes and took a sip. "Oh. WOW." He said.

"I know, right?" Perry took his mug back.

"Pretty good stuff." Pinky said. "If I drank coffee, I'd get that brand."

"IF you drank coffee?" Perry stared at him. "You DON'T drink coffee?"

"Nope."

"But Pinky, coffee is magical."

"I don't want to get hooked on it. Thanks though."  
Perry shook his head. "I'm not hooked on it. I just have to drink it every day or I don't wake up all the way."

"That's a good slogan for the coffee: Drink it every day or don't wake up all the way!"

"Hey, guys!" Said Alan the alligator, coming up to them. "Guess what? Monogram's teaching a new yoga class!"

"A breathing class where you can make human dominoes." Perry said.

Alan looked confused.

"It's one of his weird jokes." Pinky explained.

"I almost forgot to tell you." Perry said. "I'm chill now. You don't have to force me into food buffets anymore."

"What? How?" Pinky asked.

"Phineas pet me while I was in my bed. It was really nice."

"I wonder why I didn't think of that."

"Hey, you had some attempts that nearly worked. And I thank you for that." Perry said.

"No prob, buddy."

"Now, I'm heading home." Perry said. "I actually have the day off for once. Maybe Phineas and Ferb have built something in the yard by now." He headed over to the elevator and allowed it to take him back home.


End file.
